Quick...this is why I love Kathy Griffin. She's mean. Someone's gotta let me know when she is doing standup around here...Ok, now I'm really leaving.

February 27, 2003

Gone to Nueva York. Be back next week. See ya suckers!

February 26, 2003

This is a cool idea.

I just like the name of this magazine. Like I'm a MODERN drunk, not one of those old-fashion-y drunks. This ain't your grandma's eggs. (Did ya get that? huh? David Cross reference. I am so goddamn cool, I kill me.)

Smoking and Peeps, they just don't mix.

Vice has a new issue up. I found the do's and don'ts particularly hysterical this month. I'm not gonna spoil it for you, but I liked this description of what breast implants feel like:

Grab your ankle and pull it up to your ass. Now push on the side of your calf. That’s what they feel like.

I've only felt breast implants once, under somewhat strange circumstances (ie, this was not a sexual experience). I used to work at a really low-rent television station in Virginia. My boss was this blonde heavily aerobicized barbie doll type woman who was completely flat chested. This is not something I generally notice with women, but she would point the fact out with alarming frequency. So she gets breast implants.This was no secret. She made a general announcement that she was getting them as she was about to go from an A cup to a C cup in a matter of days and just wanted to be up front with the whole situation. I respect that. Anyway, its a few days after she got back with her new breasts and a bunch of us are sitting around my desk talking...about her breasts...with her. I guess I showed more interest in the subject than the other women there cos she turns to me and goes, "Wanna see them?"

Am I gonna say no?

We end up in the bathroom and I think that she is going to just pull up her shirt up and keep her bra on, but she has no bra on. (Duh, she has implants, she doesn't need a bra anymore.) So, ok, I'm standing there staring at her breasts and she goes, "Wanna touch them?"

Remember that doll Stretch Armstrong? That plastic wrestler doll that you could pull his limbs then let go and he would slowly go back to normal size? He felt kinda smooth and gel-filled, not exactly hard but definitely more than firm. Yeah, that's what it felt like.

February 24, 2003

Saturday night Anne, Jim and I went to the Middle East. Casual evening, no big deal, just a late diner and drinks. When things actually turned ugly, I am unsure. What I am sure of is that somehow I ended up LOADED.

Things I remember: Screaming some crazy bullshit at Suzanne and her friends as they left about how we should hang out. But like that's it. Just repeatedly shouting "yeah we should really hang out!" at her. Suzanne had two friends with her that we may or may not have been introduced to but in my mind are just a heterosexual couple blur. I'm writing this now and I'm thinking ...were they? I seem to remember them being male and female, but whatever. A big blank and then... flash forward...we are at our apartment. I am sitting across from Anne at the kitchen table. Pistachios are out. And in my final memory of the evening...I am sprawled out on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet wondering what I had eaten earlier that was pink.

Things I don't remember: Paying the bill for our drinks. (I have to assume Jim took care of this. I also have to assume we spent WAY too much money that night.) The transition from awake and hanging out to face down on my mattress promising god I would be a better person if he just made the world stop spinning.

Finally, a diet that works.

Strongbad is auctioning off a half eaten burrito on ebay, oh I'm sorry, an "almost-mint condition Breakfast Burrito"

What will they think of next? (via boing boing) No really, I want those...I have a birthday coming up!

It is during times like these that we all should be getting involved.

Johnny Paycheck RIP.

Real World kids behaving badly.

Please, please tell me that Kelly Osbourne did not get fake tits? This was all done with tape right?

Courtney's got a new babysitter.

Oh, I figured out who the artist is that does those funny little line drawings on the backs of business cards. Thanks to all my homies out there for all your help...See that was SARCASM, cos no one ever answers ANY question I pose here...Get it? Get it?! NO ONE helped me figure that out! I have no homies!But I'm not bitter or anything...

February 20, 2003

My God.

I wanted to say something real clever about this, but I was struck momentarily mute. Here's the story.

There's strength in numbers people, we will overcome.

On second thought, we may just be fucked.

I was at class tonight and the woman across from me, Norma, who is a very sweet, together lady, probably in the 60-something age group said "Noreen, I just have to say, that is a very nice shirt to be wearing at a time like this."

My shirt says (in big letters) WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. But Norma couldn't read the small print that said: "except you. you're a dick." (thanx chunklet) I cannot begin to tell you what a schmuck I felt like. I was all "no! no! I'm not a good person! don't mistake me for that." Oh god, the guilt is still lingering like the stench of old beer.

Ok, ABC TV just stole part of Howard Stern's act with "Are You Hot". Sadly, I know this because I watched it. I hope Howard is getting some sort of a kickback on this. The host was even using a laser pointer like the drunken dwarves do on Howard's show. Oh, the best part is at the end they vote on who is hot and who is not (see how the title works here?) and then this god-like announcer voice decrees:

"Jane Doe You Are Hot. You Are Going On."

I am going on...

February 18, 2003

Snowed in.

Six grown-ass people and two cats in a one bedroom apartment. Frightening? You be the judge....

February 17, 2003

Correction: It was brought to my attention that I said I had lots of "duck tape" last week, instead of "duct tape"...and I must say I was truly embarrassed. Especially since I only learned it was called DUCT tape last year and I go out of my way to now say DUCT tape out loud even though I always say DUCK tape in my head. Anyhow, Jen sent me this link and now I feel a tad less stupid.

I added a new page to the KITTIES section.

More later...

February 14, 2003

Send your love a valentine. I've seen this guys work before...Its on the back of business cards...Anybody know who it is? Tell me.

February 13, 2003

Wait, so I was posting last night to begin with, because I was going to say that there is an art benefit Saturday night at the Washington Street Art Center in Sommerville. But I got so carried away by my hostility towards Steve-O that I plum forgot...Let's see, the benefit is for a dog named Sasha? I'm fuzzy on the details...All you need to know is it is Saturday Feb. 15 from 8pm- 12am at 321 Washington St. in Somerville. Lots of artists I don't know are involved. Suzi and Thom I do know, and are very talented and will have their shit up there.

And my friend Ray has his work up currently at Kramer Books in DC. I wish they had pictures of his pieces on the site. If you live in the area drop by, his stuff is AMAZING. (hint hint Charlie and Sarah)

More on the art tip...My bro Kevin and our friend Don have their work up at Max Fish in NYC through the month of February. Yeah, that's right, get your ass down to Ludlow Street pronto.

Jen sent me a good valentines day card link today. I took care of business, why don't you do the same?

February 12, 2003

Red Bull comes in sugar free! My life is now whole.

This is crazy. People may have heard rumors that my aunt is a nun, and that she resembles the woman from the Weakest Link who says "Goodbye". Both are true. But I would like to make it clear that my aunt is a Sister of Mercy, and NOT a Sister of the Magdelene Order.

I got the new issue of Chunklet this week. Mission of Burma, Janeane Garofalo, Dave Attell... lots of good stuff. There is a Mr Show Tour Diary too, that name checks the Garment District - "hands down the best used clothing store I 've ever been to".

There was also some little xeroxed sheet inside the cover... um I threw it away, but it said something like "yeah, this issue is late...stop emailing me to ask where it is... yeah you're gonna get your single" kinda thing. So immediately I felt bad because I already HAD emailed and asked what was going on with my order. But you see, I wasn't thinking that I had been singled out for ill-treatment by Chunklet or that they were ripping me off , I wasn't even complaining (as usual) . It's like this: my credit card number got jacked some time last month and all of a sudden these strange charges started showing up on my credit card. Like www.fitnesswhatever.com ...like I really signed up for a gym? And how exactly does a "online fitness center" work anyway? But I digress...I called up, cancelled my credit card and started disputing the charges. This was obviously a major pain in the ass; I had to go through all my recent bills and make sure all the charges were legit and then fill out paper work on the ones that weren't and I was afraid Chunklet had gotten swept up in the "disreputable" ones.

Ok, I am loathe to admit how all of this started, but in the name of public interest I'll tell: I drunkenly ordered Steve-O's "Don't Try This at Home" video one night. I have a habit of ordering ridiculous shit off of the television when drunk, and this was actually one of my better purchases. I had no regrets. Anyhow, next thing I know this new Steve-O video shows up in my mailbox "Don't Try This at Home II: The Tour". Of course, I didn't order this tape but they sent it to me anyway, and charged me for it too.

So I try to contact them by phone and by email and I finally get an auto-message email back that says:

"If you are writing about the video you recently received from us or the charges on your credit card...your order was placed in association with our Continuity Program. Your initial purchase of the Don’t Try This At Home: The Steve-O Video enrolled you in our Continuity Program...This program was created to allow fans of Steve-O to receive his new videos before anyone else."

Yeah, thanks. So now these wingnuts have my credit card number and feel they are free to charge me for any low-rent Steve-O products they decide to include in their "continuity program". This is when I contact my credit card company. Now this may be a coincidence but on this same bill suddenly all these other crazy charges show up (like the aforementioned fitness club). Interpret it as you may, but now I am pissed.

I ended up contacting the Better Business Bureau. In return they sent me a copy of their official file on Don't Try This At Home. It was hysterical. Apparently I'm not the only one they pissed off.

Do you have your terrorist contingency plans made yet? I don't even have bottled water in the house. But I got lots of duck tape! Duck tape fixes everything!

February 10, 2003

Courtney Love pics from Q Magazine. Don't say I never gave you anything. (Not appropriate for the workplace, unless you work in a brothel or are a temp.)

Oh yeah, I have a new links page. It's DA BOMB. No it isn't really, its actually kinda lame...somebody email me some links. STAT.

February 9, 2003

Do you believe in love? Sigh.

Jim brought home a copy of "If I Should Fall From Grace: The Shane MacGowan Story". Which proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that The Pogues are PUNK AS SHIT. The film was great and I think it would be entertaining even if you were not a Pogues fan. The director definitely seems to be sympathetic to Shane MacGowan, but at the same time unflinchingly portrays the depressing realm that the man exists within. She crams in lots of archive footage and interview segments that are amazing. However, she over-uses video clips and live concert material and that detracts from the overall flow of the film. The strongest feeling I had while watching it was, that the next time Shane MacGowan is touring I have to go see him, as it seems an impossiblity that he can last much longer in his current drug and alcohol addled state.

The fun stuff: I didn't realize that Elvis Costello produced Rum Sodomy & the Lash and this film explains how that came about (more cool old footage!) Then, there was this whole debacle with Sinead O'Connor that seems have been big news over in the UK, but that I had never heard about before seeing the movie. It appears that Sinead staged her own version of an intervention by calling the police and leading them to Shane MacGowan's house where he was arrested for heroin possesion. He went to rehab, got out and threatened to sue Sinead for, as he put it "three counts for defamation of character... One, she said I was an addict. Two, I was a skint. And three, I was incapable of functioning at any level. That's just rubbish," Scandalous!

Fairy Tale of New York is the best Christmas song ever. Go get it.

See some of Spike Jonze's work.

February 5, 2003

Went to see 25th Hour "a Spike Lee Joint" last night. I like a lot of his work, and those films that I don't especially like are still usually better than 95% of the other crappy movies out there. You have to respect a guy who continues to try new things, experiment and pursue original story lines.

So 25th hour is the story of a drug dealer, Monty, and his last night of freedom before he has to start serving time. The movie is as much about New York as it is about relationships and betrayal and the fact that choices have consequences. My biggest complaint was that I don't like being hit over the head with visual symbolism and all that red, white and blue in the end was a bit much for me.

At the end of the movie, Monty's dad says to him, "Once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker."

When Jim and I were living in Virginia my parents came down to visit us. We were living in Richmond and my parents had stopped off to see their friends who live in Charlottesville, a city about 100 miles West of Richmond. Bill and Anne, my parents friends, are transplanted New Yorkers from Queens trying to make their retirement dollars stretch down South. And there is no mistaking that they are from New York. Bill's accent and mannerisms make him seem almost like some crazy caricature when contrasted with the laid back Southern hillbilly and hippie population that seems to make up Charlottesville. Ok, to make a long story short - my dad gets pnemonia, has a heart attack and ends up in the ICU at the hospital in Charlottesville for two months. As a result, we end up spending a lot of time in Charlottesville and a lot of time with Bill and Anne. (I must point out that we do love Bill and Anne)

Leaving the hospital one night, we were waiting for the elevator outside my dad's room. There are five of us: Me, Jim, Anne, Bill and my mom. One of the elevator doors opens, it is full. I look at the people inside of it and say "that's cool we'll take the next one." And the elevator doors close.

Bill looks at me. "What was wrong with that one?"
"Well... it was full"
"Whaddaya mean full?" Bill shakes his head looks over at everyone else and repeats, "It was full."
So I go, "Another one is gonna come in a minute."
He looks back at me, shakes his head again and says, "What kind of New Yorker are you?"
And I'm like, "Uh, Bill maybe you haven't noticed but none of us are New Yorkers anymore. You live in Charlottesville, we live in Richmond and my parents live in Boston."
Bill flashes me a wide smile and says, "Noreen, once a New Yorker always a New Yorker."
I love that.

Dear Strongbad... Funny stuff. The ones I liked best are "huttah!", "website" and "techno" but you can spend time watching all of them. You can also write Strongbad with your own stupid questions.

This link is for Liz, the lover of quizes. I usually hate them, but the true or false question that said "you own a pet that requires cedar chips" did make me laugh.

Does anyone doubt that he did it?

February 2, 2003

"The fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs." -Homer Simpson

Jacques Caberet may have its license revoked.  The neighborhood is a-changin' and the new tennants do not want a drag club in their neighborhood. They claim that crime and prostitution is associated with the club. In the times that I have visited this establishment I have not been aware of any drugs, prostitution or other illegal activities and now I feel cheated. I also feel like straight women make up a huge portion of Jacques clientelle, as having bachelorette parties there is now standard. (See Jen's night out) And I am not sure why a neighborhood would be threatened by gaggles of drunk young women...But more than a place for married women to ogle and flirt with transvestites, Jacques has been a spot for local punk shows for years and is a" great place to hang out, drink cheap beer, play pinball and remember why you started liking punk rock in the first place" (to quote Liz)

There is a hearing Tuesday February 4th @ 6 pm concerning Jacques license AND THEY NEED PEOPLE THERE FOR PUBLIC SUPPORT!!!

Meet at Jacques Caberet at 5:30 on Tuesday or go to the Renaissance Charter School on Stuart Street at 6:00. For more information or directions call 617-426-8902

Boston Globe article on the subject.

Speaking of protesting...I try to avoid speaking about the impending war, as it just serves to piss me off. But I had to laugh the other day when a friend wrote me an email that said, referring to organized protests..."I wish they would just provide us with the itinerary already so I can plan." Is this what happens when you get old? Because I feel the same way. I want to express my anti-war sentiment, but to be quite frank I don't have the time to contact different sources and track down leads on where to go so could someone just fax me the plan?

I think I actually brought political protest to an all new nadir of lameness the other day when I called, yes CALLED the White House to say I did not approve of military action with Iraq. Like, yeah, um, I'm not really with y'all on this one, so could you like...stop?

If you would like to call the White House "opinion line", they accept calls from 9-5, Monday thru Friday. The number is 202-456-1111. The president claims that he wants to know what the American people are thinking. So let him know.

Comcast won't play peace ads. They suck.

Last war related entry...George Saunders has a little piece at the front of the New Yorker this week and in his usual way it is touching without beating you over the head with sentiment. And its short!

Ok, this is definitely the best punk kittens so far.

I got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell this lady too.

This month's Bitch magazine is the BEST ONE EVER. Margaret Cho, Princess Superstar, Suicide Girls and more. It is the Fame & Obscurity issue, and I can't think of a subject I would rather read about or have a more complicated relationship than that of celebrity. There is an interview with Tara Ariano aka Wing Chun who runs www.fametracker.com (go there now) and also Television Without Pity. Whenever I miss one of my beloved reality shows I go there to get the play by play. Also, in the interview she uses the word "schadenfreude"(def. Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others) which has got to be the it word of the moment. I have literally seen that word in print at least ten times in the last month. Including one very funny "best of" media list that was in the NY Observer last month where Tina Brown stole an unpublished quote from Courtney Love.

Missed Something from January?